sarNworld: sarNworld -> Thookatha's Blog

despite anything that has happened in my life in the last three years, i must realize that there are days to celebrate...just like today...well in five mins, it will be the day that i am talking about...christmas. i love this day because it reminds me of warmth...and lights, which stands for beauty just as much as it can stands for hope and inspiration. i would like to wish my family and my students...at home and in sarnworld a very merry christmas. be safe and appreciate everything you have. there are still lessons to learn in life...especially in how we intertwine with others. if we do not admire the importance of what we already have, we will not be able to admit the appreciation others see in us. merry christmas "now" and to you always.

you could say that i am an educator. i supervise over afterschool teachers. i teach, model, and guide students just as much as teachers. however, i'm the last person who should be a role model. they would never guess that my personal life is not as happy and supported as it should be. how could someone who's going down the wrong path guide anyone down the "right" path. wise decisions are not even on the list of what i've been doing in the last two or so years. even me typing all these ridiculous words is immature and pessimistic, but i've seriously hit rock bottom. i would never want my students to end up like me...broke and alone, all because i've made some very poor decisions. anyone who reads this might even wonder what could possibly be so bad. i honestly can't say. if i wrote out everything that is wrong in my life right now, it'd be too personal and i wouldn't be able to come back to sarnworld again...and sarnworld is all i have right now. i can't even go home because my...everything...is so bad right now. all i know is that i am a hypocrite. i don't deserve to be a role model or an educator, and i suffer everyday. i hide behind my smiles and seemingly wise ways, and lay no positive stepping stones for myself. no one around me knows of how badly things have been. they think i'm the most perfect human being to walk the earth, but i'm not and i don't want them to think that way. i just want them to make the right decisions for themselves. none of my students should EVER end up like me. but the more my students look up to me, the worst i feel. i hope they never feel the lack of support that i feel everyday (even though i am the one who put it on myself). all the things i am writing right now doesn't even make me sound like an educator, and it is wrong of me to feel so hopeless, and even bash on myself. but if i don't spill out all these things, it will eat me up even more.

I don't know how to begin. I just know I feel very trapped...financially. I am in debt...through credit cards and other things...like a lot. i made mistakes in the last couple of years and have racked up a trap for myself. even though i am trying to clean things up right now, i won't be able to pay off my debts for a while. the APR's are F*CKIN ridiculous. actually, it's making my debt bigger. it's just molding up around my principal debt like poison. i can't even say how much money i owe or what i owe for (because it's so shameful) but it's a lot. i cry almost every night because i keep thinking about how stupid and shitty i am. i can't really turn to anyone. i have been slowly deteriorating and dying because of these debts for the past two or so years. i definitely can't tell my family because...i just can't. i don't know what to do besides post in a forum about how pitiful and trapped i feel. *sigh* what do i do? i just want to end my life...but i don't want to make my family suffer either. SH*T, my family did not raise me to be this careless and F*CKED UP...but somehow, i'm here in my misery.